Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: A Podcast on Sibling Estrangement

Those cutoff from siblings feel their losses acutely from October to December, when their hurts reach an emotional crescendo. Some may even re-evaluate their choice to maintain distance from toxic relatives. In this "holiday" video, we explore how joyful and cheery holiday messages can be hurtful and how painful it is to think about the family reuniting without you. How do those estranged from siblings navigate these feelings, tolerate awkward get-togethers, or manage the long days alone? Here, we propose pro-active and empowering strategies to cope with this difficult time of year.

To buy Fern's...

In this episode, we explore communication strategies grounded in assertiveness and empathy when interacting with a narcissistic sibling, informed by neuroscience and how the narcissistic brain functions. This empathic approach is not about enabling or excusing harmful behavior, but about creating opportunities for emotion-focused dialogue that may access suppressed empathy. We offer examples of how these conversations might unfold and conclude with reflective questions to help you decide whether this approach is right for you.

Note to listeners: Some strategies discussed may not be suitable for everyone. If maintaining boundaries or distance is necessary for your well-being...

In our latest podcast, we explore the interactions of agreeable and disagreeable siblings. Often, empathetic people discover the risks and traps of being congenial and amenable when involved with competitive, distrustful siblings. The compassionate may find that their natural inclination to allay a tense situation with their savvy communication skills may only heighten hostilities with a disagreeable sibling. These ruptures may undermine confidence and self-esteem for the agreeable sibling, creating a terrible sense of imbalance. We discuss how to negotiate a relationship with a disagreeable sibling and, at the same time, how to avoid becoming disagreeable ourselves.

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Narcissism comes in all shapes and sizes. Here, we explore the different types of narcissists and unpack how a narcissist's behavior plays out in interactions with our siblings. Often, we feel unfulfilled in a sibling relationship when conversations are one-sided, demeaning, deceitful, and even threatening, and these interactions can cause acute stress and even post-traumatic symptoms. Our goal is not to diagnose, but to map out the territory so that siblings can identify some of the characteristics of a narcissistic sibling. Ranging in severity -- from superficial to harmful -- relationships with a narcissist typically are plagued with an...

In the first episode of this new series on how narcissism can drive sibling estrangement, we explore what this personality style is and how it defines relationships. This informative episode will help viewers identify narcissistic traits such as lack of empathy, contingent self-esteem, exploitativeness, self-enhancement, hiding the self, grandiose fantasizing, devaluing, and entitlement rage that can contribute to sibling estrangement. In addition, we offer suggestions on how to manage these difficult relationships. Towards the goal of empowering viewers about sibling estrangement, this series will offer insights about narcissism and provide understanding and realistic expectations so viewers can choose an...

In this insightful podcast, we explore how important personality traits can play out in sibling relationships. Based upon Jung's description, we explore how introverts and extroverts express themselves. Fern describes how she and her brother have different personality traits and styles of communication that may have contributed to their estrangement. She describes how the two were able to find a shared communication style as they reconciled. Furthermore, we discuss healthy and unhealthy expressions of introversion and extroversion, and how to adapt communication strategies to various interactions. We conclude by discussing the greatest risk factors for extroverts and introverts.

This podcast, the second in a two-part discussion on shame-shifting, offers viewers practical suggestions on how to cope with a sibling's shame-shifting, blaming and baiting. Often, when a sibling is exposed to these confusing, hurtful tactics, he or she may regress into childhood roles and an immature pattern of relating. Our discussion explores specific ways to guard against this tendency. In addition, we shed light on the importance of self-agency -- a unique characteristic of adulthood that can protect against a toxic sibling's manipulations.

+To buy Fern's book on Sibling Estrangement: https://www.lakeforestbookstore.com...

In this informative podcast, we discuss how narcissistic and toxic siblings often employ the manipulative strategy of shame-shifting. Those unfamiliar with this tactic may find themselves repeatedly injured by it. Fern introduces listeners to the concept through a personal story, and then, we zero-in on how siblings use shame-shifting. We also identify seven rules of shame-based families based upon John Bradshaw's powerful book, Healing the Shame that Binds You. Typically, siblings use shame-shifting to vie for power; often, the result is that the weaker sibling denies his or her own needs and feelings to maintain the relationship. It's important...

In this next episode on estrangement and shunning, Fern shares how her father's silent treatment and a longstanding cutoff with her brother affected and defined her. This leads into a discussion on making the important distinction between shunning and a positive cutoff. We then explore what research has discovered about the effects of shunning on the brain, specifically how similarly the brain processes physical and psychological pain. In addition, we identify how shunning can stamp an individual's emotional state, his or her daily interactions with others, and in turn, define an individual's self-image, social relationships, and a sense of...

In this enlightening episode, we explore what it feels like to experience gaslighting. We identify the phenomenon's origin and how this manipulative practice applies to relationships in our lives -- including siblings. This deceptive tactic sows self-doubt as a means to exploit and gain power over another. To help empower those who are targeted, we identify catch-phrases typically used by gaslighters. We conclude by discussing how to navigate relationships with gaslighters so that those who endure this treatment can reclaim their identity and sense of self.

+To buy Fern's book on Sibling Estrangement: https://www...

In this unique podcast, Ali-John conducts the first extensive interview with author Fern Schumer Chapman about her new book, Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road the Reconciliation. Ali-John offers a brief introduction to Fern's background as an author, speaker, and educator. Then, the two discuss the book, which probes a forty-year estrangement between Fern and her only brother and examines how the two found a tentative path to reconciliation. Fern's book, which is part memoir and part social science research, also captures the voices of others who suffer from the shrouded, stigmatized experience of sibling alienation. This...

Hi everyone! In this timely video, we discuss Prince William and Prince Harry's risk factors for sibling estrangement. Estrangement cuts across all social classes, and even plagues members of the Monarchy. Here, we explore some of the risk factors for estrangement, including family trauma, parental favoritism, poor communication skills, and a sibling's choice to break away from family values. We conclude our discussion by exploring what necessary steps William and Harry must take to reconcile.

+To buy Fern's book on Sibling Estrangement: https://www.lakeforestbookstore.com/book/9780525561699

+Link to the workbook Sibling Estrangement...

Hi Everyone! In this episode, we discuss how exposure through social media affects the estranged. This unique form of connection can raise challenging questions: Will exposure to estranged siblings through social media disrupt the grieving process and freeze us in ambiguous loss? Will we become addicted to creeping or lurking on the social media pages of our estranged siblings? Is it best to set a strong boundary and restrict or block estranged siblings from our accounts and our lives? Finally, we discuss how to use social media productively. For example, we can have an awareness of how our posts...

Hi everyone! In this informative new podcast, we offer ten tactics to help estranged siblings navigate the grief and bereavement resulting from the loss of a relationship with a brother or sister. Specifically, we discuss where people often get stuck and ways to get beyond that point. We talk about the risks of forfeiting our authenticity and our power for a single outcome and the danger of becoming overly focused on ourselves. We explore ways to limit the drama, center ourselves, and lift ourselves out of the pain to promote health and well-being.

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How can a brother or sister accept sibling estrangement and grieve the loss of that defining relationship? In this important episode, Ali-John adapts Worden's Tasks of Mourning -- an action-oriented approach that doesn't emphasize stages and phases -- to sibling estrangement. To mourn, a sibling must: accept the reality of the loss by working through denial. process the pain by experiencing unwanted and unpleasant feelings, adjust to the world without a sibling. reassess the role of a sibling and embark on a new life by cultivating purpose and meaning in other relationships. Fern and Ali-John also offer a few...

For the start of the new year, Fern and Ali-John delve deep into indispensable insights they would have liked to have learned at a younger age about sibling relationships. They offer a range of advice about maintaining relations with a difficult brother or sister, including zeroing in on what really matters, using available resources, dispelling false expectations, living authentically, and being flexible and adaptable. This video also serves as a reminder that it's never too late to put these tips into practice.

+To buy Fern's book on Sibling Estrangement: https://www.lakeforestbookstore.com/book/9780525561699

Hi everyone! In this informative video, Fern and I discuss the Family Myth, and how personal identity and behaviors can clash with a family's value system. Some people challenge the family myth -- through sexual orientation, interracial marriage, religious conversion, political philosophies and lifestyle choices -- and they may be cast out for straying from the predefined narrative. However, family members who live inauthentically create dysfunctions that have long-lasting, damaging consequences. In the second part of the video, we discuss how those who are cast out can navigate the upcoming holidays. We encourage the estranged to keep busy, cultivate...

Hi everyone! In this important episode, we discuss attachment issues that can contribute to sibling estrangement. A child's interactions with his/her caregiver will determine social and relationship interactions in the future, according to studies. We explore various insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized) and how they serve as a blueprint for an individual's future relationships. Over the course of a life, an individual can change his/her attachment style. We explore the importance of emotionally corrective experiences -- positive, warm, healthy relationships within or outside the family -- that alter an individual's attachment style and, ultimately, all of...

Hi everyone! In this 11th episode, we continue our discussion on birth order, focusing on common traits of the youngest child and how these can develop in healthy or unhealthy ways. We also explore how exclusion and tolerated bullying within families can contribute to sibling estrangement. Ali-John shares a personal experience that led to estrangement from his sister, while Fern discusses how estranged sibling relationships often become more complex as parents near the end of life. Reopening communication during these times can reduce stress, ease conflict, and sometimes help siblings reconnect and support one another.

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Hi everyone! In this 10th episode, we discuss how birth order influences sibling estrangement. Fern opens our new topic by describing her lived experience with birth order. We then discuss how birth order contributes to the development of a child's personality, exploring Adler's Birth Order Theory which identifies specific characteristics and experiences of the first child, second child, and middle child. We briefly address how each position in the family can have its own heightened risk of sibling estrangement later in adult life. We look forward to continuing our exploration of birth order in our next video as we...

Hi everyone! In this informative video, we explore the differences in how men and women process emotions, determining which gender ruminates more. In addition, we discuss how men and women handle conflict differently -- through either "fight or flight" or "tend and befriend." We identify societal expectations and the influence of the Patriarchy which defines gender-based responsibilities that damage sibling relationships. We touch upon another insidious factor in sibling estrangement -- partners who alienate one side of the family. Topics in upcoming episodes will include the differences between sister-to-sister and brother-to-sister estrangements and the effect of birth order on...

Hi everyone! Fern and I are back with a third video on rumination. In the third episode on rumination, Ali-John shares the tragic loss of a colleague, which leads to a discussion on the importance of mourning rituals for both the dead and the living to process loss. Ali-John identifies a self-appeasing, therapeutic tool to counter rumination. In addition, the two hosts explore the value of reframing experience to combat low self esteem that may come from estrangement loss, and the necessity of strong boundaries when attempting to improve or reconcile a relationship with a difficult or estranged sibling.<...

Hi everyone! In this exciting new video, the second of three parts, Fern and I continue our discussion on rumination. Here, we touch upon how society's perception of the ideal family -- often portrayed on social media -- can exacerbate self-questioning and rumination. We delve deeper into strategies to counter rumination, such as the Third Eye/Documentary mode, specific innovative techniques and body-based strategies, and some helpful apps that curb intrusive thoughts and feelings -- all important tools for emotional regulation. What’s more, we explore a broader definition of “family” where we might find a stronger sense of belong...

Fern and I are back with an exciting, much-needed video on rumination and sibling estrangement! Many viewers have asked us to address this issue; they feel they are held hostage to these repeating thoughts. In this video, we examine the workings of the brain that ruminates, and we explore mind and body strategies to break the cycle of these nagging, negative thoughts. What’s more, we discuss the importance of developing a plan for self-care to reduce rumination and move forward! We hope you’ll join us for our first discussion of this important, timely topic that plagues not only...

In this next exciting video, we discuss the devastating effects of sibling estrangement on the body and the psyche. What's more, we share personal stories about cutoffs with our own siblings. We further discuss the effects of deprivation of nurturance and lack of empathy in childhood and how those forces play out in relationships later in life. We conclude our talk by offering suggestions to the estranged about how to foster a sense of belonging to offset loneliness and alienation. We hope you'll forgive us for postponing our discussion on reconciliation and rebuilding an identity until a later time.<...

In this exciting new video, Fern and I talk about how self-esteem is affected and Sibling Estrangement is enabled by growing up in a family of origin where a lack of proper communication tools can spark the feeling of being "not good enough". Furthermore, we explore how emotional deprivation can contribute to post-traumatic stress symptoms, and may necessitate psychotherapeutic treatment. The dangers of cycling through isolation and rumination are also explored, and the metaphor of the fish is shared with regards to having false beliefs about ourselves. We end with artificial nostalgia with regards to family relations amidst the...

In this third video on Sibling Estrangement, Fern and I discuss aspects related to Estrangement and concepts connected to dehumanization and communication breakdowns. We talk about the inability to resolve conflicts as a risk factor that can start within families, and pour into our societal interactions with others, and ultimately spark movements such as Black Lives Matter. We briefly explore the Four Horsemen Model, as well as the Dignity Model in response to this, all while sharing personal experiences associated to Estrangement.

+To buy Fern's book on Sibling Estrangement: https://www.lakeforestbookstore.com/book/9780525561699

In this second video on Sibling Estrangement, Fern and I discuss aspects related to Estrangement amidst the Coronavirus pandemic and elaborate further on aspects relating to Superficial/Limited conversations one can have, mourning the living, the benefit of rituals, and a personal experience I share with what helped me to move forward in my own situation.

+To buy Fern's book on Sibling Estrangement: https://www.lakeforestbookstore.com/book/9780525561699

+Link to the workbook Sibling Estrangement Journal on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BLLTT6SJ#SalesRank

Ali-John's Public Facebook Page: https...

Join us as I have an in-depth conversation with award-winning Chicagoland area Author Fern Schumer Chapman!! In this first of a series of talks on Sibling Estrangement, we get into the topics of emotional avoidance, ghosting, shared living experiences, the need for a beginning, middle and an end in the narration we give to our sibling relationship, and the effects of alcoholism on a relationship. Sibling Estrangement is a subject that both of us hold dear to our hearts, and we hope that you can enjoy this video just as much as we did in making it! See you...