Love and Abuse

Every relationship should have stopping points when you feel yourself slipping away. Emotional abuse operates as a slow drip-feeding of toxic behaviors that gradually erode boundaries.

The endless monologue of some emotionally abusive people is a tactic that keeps you silent and submissive. It's designed to wear you down until you finally give in. 

Some emotionally abusive people do heal. And once they do, they might feel the relationship will be great from that point on. What they don't consider is that the victim of their abusive behavior is only starting their healing process. 

The emotionally abusive relationship is confusing and draining. If you don't get a grip on what's going on, you may start to believe perhaps you are the problem and they are a saint. Let's fix that faulty thinking. 

If you've ever questioned how to forgive yourself for choosing your own well-being over an abusive partner, you're not alone. If you're feeling guilt or shame for leaving an abusive person, this is an important episode to listen to. 

If you find yourself obsessively attached to someone who hurts you, is it a sign of a trauma bond? I'll tackle this challenging subject, shedding light on why you might stay in a relationship despite enduring hurtful behavior and what this could mean for your sense of self-worth and emotional well-being.

Some people will deflect blame and make you feel like the problem. In this episode, I dive into this subject by examining a heart-wrenching story from a listener whose partner's jealousy turned violent, leaving her questioning the future of their relationship and her path to healing.

The emotionally abusive relationship can sometimes be hard to define. How long must abusive behavior go on before actually admit that what's really happening is abuse? 

How do you know when it's time to instigate a split? If your partner's behavior leaves you feeling oppressed and defeated, and they refuse to change, and they also don't want to end the relationship, then what? 

Breadcrumbing can be a manipulative way to keep someone in your mind so that you can't fully move forward, keeping you as a pawn in another person's game. In this episode, a person wrote to me talking about their ex, a 13-year breadcrumber!

The way someone talks about their relationship reveals a lot. Abuse victims and perpetrators each have their own language patterns. Knowing these language patterns will help you understand on which side of the fence you're on.

In abusive relationships it might be difficult or even impossible to discern which parts of yourself are truly you and which are shaped by the abuse. Let's talk about what it takes to start building or rebuilding your identity.

You walk into an emotionally abusive relationship as one person, but where do you go after you're in one for a while? Is the person you're with trying to change you into someone you're not? 

Love can feel like a double-edged sword, cutting deep despite the tender moments. Or is that really love? Caring and kindness mixed with toxic, controlling behaviors create a dangerous emotional cocktail of bonding and trauma. 

They did the worst thing imaginable and now want you to stay in their life. Is it possible they can change? Should you give them a chance?

What does it take for an abusive person to change? A whole lot (if they even want to change), but this one component of healing is often one of the hardest for them to stop. Their consistent focus on you can make their healing and change much more difficult, let alone having no time and space to heal yourself. 

The one-off difficulties in relationships are perfectly normal for everyone. They're not welcome, necessarily, but normal. But what happens when the "one-offs" become systemic? What happens when they are non-stop? That's when changes are inevitable.  

When they threaten to leave or take something away from you, but they never follow through, expect them to repeat that behavior indefinitely. Empty threats are effective on those who fear them coming true. There is a way to stop the empty threats (but you probably won't like it).

You'd think it'd be easy to figure out: The hurtful one is the abusive one. But what happens when the victim gets convinced they are the abuser? Determining that while in the abuse cycle can sometimes be very difficult. However, I make it very clear in this episode. 

"Everything's great with me," they say, as you sit there staring, confused, wondering what the hell you're missing because you're having a completely different experience as them. When is a relationship not an actual relationship anymore? 

When you get into an emotionally abusive relationship, you have no idea what you're walking into. When you figure it out, you might have to make some tough choices. One of those choices might lead to getting deeper into something you know is bad for you. 

Some people just won't stop being hurtful. Why won't they stop? Are they just terrible people we have to accept and move on? Power and control is their M.O. and it's important you know why. For some there is hope. For others, well, it may take a lot more than hope to see change.  https://loveandabuse.com

Hurt people hurt people, so we should have compassion when they hurt us, right? You know the answer and I know the answer. How does the person who is hurting you start to change and heal, though? Lots to unpack here. 

The person you were before the difficult relationship almost always looks and feels different than the person you became while in the difficult relationship. And losing that part of yourself may make you think there's no way back. Sometimes, you can't even remember who you used to be. 

When someone keeps hurting you, you might blame yourself and think if you were only better, they'd stop. But as their hurtful behavior continues, resentment builds and you start questioning everything about yourself.

What is the cause of mistreatment in a relationship? Do you think it's possible you are reason someone is hurting you or trying to change you? If so, you need to listen to this episode. There are many reasons this is happening, but...

What do you do when someone shatters something that brought you joy? In this episode, I talk about understanding your limits in relationships and recognizing when resilience becomes a liability rather than a strength. It's important you know how to navigate toward making the right decisions for you and those you love.  

Is there a path out of being stuck in the whirlwind of a toxic relationship? Maybe taking a step back and out of the situation a while will help you gain clarity and reconnect with yourself. What happens when you never get away from the toxicity, though? Can you ever get a clear mind? 

What if you're doing all you can to maintain your own health and well-being but you have someone in your life who a consistent drain on your mental and emotional health? Can you rebuild your energy or do you have to accept that it may never stop and you may have to make tougher choices about the relationship?

How can you tell if your partner's affection is genuine or a manipulation tactic? Love bombing usually takes place at the beginning of a relationship to create a strong bond between an abusive person and their victim. But it can also be used to get away with bad behavior in long-term relationships as well. 

The victim of abusive behavior will eventually reach their breaking point. In that moment, they finally feel like they can take their life back. But they may still not be out of the woods yet during the transition from victim to empowered. 

The healed former emotional abuser looks a lot different than the person they used to be. If you've ever accepted a hurtful person back into your life after they said they've changed but notice after a short while that their old behaviors are creeping back in, you might have missed an important clue that they haven't changed at all. 

Why does it seem so easy for some people to leave a relationship, get into another one, and act as if the one they were in didn't mean anything?

If you've felt discarded and can't stop thinking about what you did wrong, this episode is a good reminder of everything you were doing right. 

When the emotional abuser apologizes and tries to make amends with their ex-partner after they've done a lot of personal growth and development, should they expect a response from their ex? Is that expecting too much? Or is it time for all to move on and start anew?

You give, you adapt, and you change who you are almost to your very core... to what end? When you are overly compassionate to others, you might actually be taking away from yourself. This is as harmful to your mind as a lack of sleep is to your body. 

Victims of emotional abuse can experience physical pain from all the trauma, potentially leading to increased tolerance and resilience of harm. They can gradually lose their identity due to the abuser's actions, becoming a shell of their former selves. 

What drives the important decisions in your life, fear or desire? In this episode I talk about a person's fear of visiting his father because of family that doesn't want him there. I also talk about how to start trusting again after someone betrays you... is there a path to wholeness after such an event? 

Some emotionally abusive people don't change, no matter how much the victim of their hurtful behavior changes for them. Is there ever a point where they will be the person you want them to be? Or does anything you do really matter at all? 

There's a clever manipulation that can happen in some emotionally abusive relationships. It starts with superficial kindness and vague promises and leads to blameshifting and avoiding true accountability. This very subtle form of gaslighting will drive you crazy. I'll share with you how to spot it. 

When you reach your breaking point with someone, you might make the decision to leave. During that time, you can regain your confidence and feel your power again. You might even decide to give the relationship a second chance, knowing that if you see any warning signs, you can address them right away. 

That is until you are once again coerced into staying in a situation that seems destined to go down the exact same path as before. Now what?  

Sometimes, you can't see the red flags before you're hurt. Emotional abuse can be like an infection that enters your body. You may not know it's there until a lot of time has passed, and you've invested a lot into the relationship.

In this episode, I share how emotional abuse acts like an infection entering your body and mind and help you understand the environment in which such an emotional infection thrives. 

It can be hard to draw a line in a toxic relationship. Don't make your emotional resilience a prison of your own making. Your personal boundaries are there for a reason. Often, the only way things will change is if you do something because they won't 

When the emotionally abusive person goes silent in order to make you feel guilty and give them the attention they want, do they have a deeper motive of self-preservation? When abusers use silence to control you, there's a lot going on under the hood. In this episode, I share my personal history of using the silent treatment to control the people I claimed to love. 

Some people are so wrapped up in their need to control you that they completely overlook your worth and importance. They can be so busy keeping you focused on yourself and everything you're doing "wrong," that you might actually start to believe what they're saying about you. 

The emotionally abusive person can have a traumatic past. Their abusive behaviors can have an abusive origin. Is it better to help them address their past to stop their behaviors toward you? It's an important question that you should definitely want to know the answer to. 

The victim of hurtful or emotionally abusive behavior has a threshold. When they reach that threshold, their heart can seal permanently, never letting the hurtful person back in again. 

In this episode, I help identify when your heart is sealed permanently. Before that happens, there's always a chance to repair a relationship that's been damaged. After that, however, the relationship may never get another chance. 

The thought of breaking up or separating from a toxic person can be a difficult decision to make. But taking a break before a breakup can bring clarity and perspective in a problematic relationship, helping you rediscover something you lost and even help decide if you really want to make that difficult decision or take a different path. 

The language you use to describe your relationship and how you're getting along with the other person says a lot. If you've ever wondered if you are the hurtful one or they are, the words you use can reveal just what role you play in the dynamic of an emotionally abusive relationship. 

What would happen if you decided to write them a loving, supportive letter outlining all of their hurtful behaviors in hopes they'll read it and finally realize they need to change?

Will it backfire on you? I talk about that in this episode.

The cycle of high ups and deep downs in a relationship is like being trapped in an emotional prison. There are moments of freedom and happiness, followed by a constant underlying fear or worry of being trapped again.

The emotional prison is created by the manipulative and controlling behavior of the person who wants to keep the person in a disempowered state. This cycle of ups and downs often forms a trauma bond, where the person seeks love and support from the same person who is causing them emotional harm.

A friend or family member does behavior that you find immoral or maybe even illegal. Do you keep the connection because they are a great person otherwise, or do you move on staying in alignment with yourself? It can be a tricky thing to navigate such a challenge. 

Sometimes an abusive relationship changes into a non-abusive one. Sometimes the abusive person has an epiphany and stops the behavior. Often that happens when the other person reaches their breaking point, which may be too late. But if there's still love, there's a chance. The questions are, what are the chances that the healing emotional abuser will stop the behaviors? And can the relationship heal? 

Why do people who claim to care about us hurt us when they see that we're suffering? Shouldn't our suffering be enough for them to stop the behaviors? It's one of the most common questions I receive: If they really love me, why do they hurt me? 

Dealing with a hurtful person is often hard enough. When they have hurtful parents, however, it gets even harder. Especially when you thought you had a somewhat good relationship with them. When their parents can't see their own child being hurtful toward you, you may not get the compassion and support you're looking for. 

Your religious or spiritual beliefs are supposed to help uplift and inspire you, not make you feel oppressed and exhausted. Religious abuse happens when people who claim to love you use your own beliefs against you to keep their power over you. 

I get messages from those who are with someone who claims to have changed, but something doesn't feel right to them. What they feel is usually accurate. There are specific thoughts and feelings inside you that can help you tell if someone has actually changed and healed from being emotionally abusive, or if they still have a ways to go. 

When you've realized enough is enough but you're afraid that the kids will get a boatload of abusive behavior from a soon to be ex, knowing what to expect and how to respond to what happens next is the key to trying to maintain the healthiest relationship with your children.

Why can't they just change? Why don't they just stop hurting you?

Sometimes they've built such a huge wall of protection around themselves that nothing can penetrate it. They keep doing what they're doing because they don't want you to see what's behind the wall. It's too vulnerable, and it might require them to express a part of themselves they've hidden away all their life. 

The emotionally abusive relationship can be a battle. In fact, it can be a series of battles that wear you down and eventually wear you out. But at what point are you so worn out that you do something different? Some toxic relationships last for decades and there is no end in sight. There's a point in time when something has to change, or nothing ever will. And that can be a hard pill to swallow. 

The person that hurts the one they love can do the behavior indefinitely unless someone is there to stop it. Usually, that someone has to be you. Stopping it however doesn't always come easy. Sometimes the person hurting you needs a wake-up call they can't ignore, shaking their foundation so much they have to pay attention.

Relationships can survive even when things are bad, but what about when things are never good but just functional? Is just functioning together good enough? Can you make it work? 

Functioning together can make some of life easier, but not necessarily happier. I explore that topic today.  

Why do we return to toxic people over and over again? It's certainly not because we love to suffer. But maybe there's more going on that should be considered. Sometimes knowing the reasons can help you stop the round trips back to someone that doesn't seem to care if you're happy or not. 

Can low self-worth attract someone that makes you feel lower? Can people-pleasing attract a taker that never stops taking?

There are many ways to become attracted to someone. But there are attractions that aren't always positive. It's important to know what about them makes them appealing when some qualities can be downright abusive. 

LAA Insights is an addendum to the regular show that you'll find scattered in between full episodes. On Insights, I pick random emails that I haven't addressed yet and do my best to provide my insights and opinions. 

A special episode answering a question from someone who isn't sure if they are the abuser and if they need to work on their own abusive behavior, even though there are clear signs they are being abused as well. 

LAA Insights is an addendum to the regular show that you'll find scattered in between full episodes. On Insights, I pick random emails that I haven't addressed yet and do my best to provide my insights and opinions. 

Becoming dependent on someone can put you at their mercy sometimes. And if they are toxic, you are not only now dependent on them for certain things, but they make sure you continue to depend on them so you never get your wants and needs filled completely.

It's like a bag of chips... you can never eat just one. You know they're bad for you, but you keep coming back. I talk about our dependencies in this episode and how they can create hard-to-break trauma bonds. 

There can be some good excuses for hurtful behavior. With some excuses, it can be hard to differentiate between fact and fiction. 

When someone uses their condition or illness to manipulate or control you, it can make it that much more difficult to get out from under their spell. 

Some abusive people know exactly how to lock you into the relationship so tight that you find it near impossible to get out of it. When that happens, the longer you wait, the worse it gets. No matter how deep you are, you need to do something right away unless you want to continue down a road that never ends.

Sometimes the emotional abuse stops. If and when it does, will you know who you are? Do you know where you went? Sometimes we lose ourselves in relationships like this because we are so busy trying to make the other person happy so they won't make us miserable. But that's probably not who you wanted to be. Finding yourself again can be the next challenge after the emotional abuse stops.

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How can you respond or react in the most concise, clear and healthy way so that their annoyance or frustration with you doesn't turn into another toxic event in your relationship?  Learning to respond in the most healthy way possible can make the difference between another argument with misunderstandings and confusion, and something that could be cleared up fast. 

For more episodes, visit loveandabuse.com

You are not to blame for getting into a toxic relationship. It is not your fault. However, there is a way you process bad behavior that may be working against you causing you to get into bad relationships over and over again. Sometimes we do things that raise our levels of toleration so high, that we can't recognize just how hot the water has gotten.

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Needy and clingy people can become obsessive and emotionally abusive. They will find ways to keep tabs on you so that they are always on your mind. They need constant attention and there's little you can do to make them happy except to be with them all the time. Neediness can turn into bad behavior to the point where unless you comply with everything they want, they'll make you believe you're being awful to them.

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It's hard enough dealing with a hurtful person. You know they are going to show up in a certain way almost every time so you get used to it.

However, what if they start convincing your friends and family that you're the one hurting them? What if they play the victim?

This is an episode filled with tools to help those you care about and are supposed to care about you see that perhaps their perception of you is flawed.

What's the best course of action when it comes to leaving the emotional abuser? Should you sit them down and have the "the talk", or is talking going to get you sucked into another conversation that causes you to stay out of guilt or being convinced you're wrong?

They're likely to convince you of doing things their way so it may not go any differently during "the talk."

When you're in any type of difficult or emotionally abusive relationship, a violation of your relationship boundaries has probably already taken place. After all, you didn't sign up to feel like crap all the time or be unhappy. So is it okay to seek someone outside the relationship when you can't get your emotional needs met within the relationship you're in? I tackle that tough question in this episode.

When you've had enough and you can't take anymore, but you stay and take more, you end up in an endless cycle of love and abuse. If you're afraid to stay because things are bad, but also afraid to leave because you don't know any other way to live your life, it's time to get real clear on what you really want.

How bad does it have to get before you're convinced that the person you're dealing with is never, ever going to change? And how much more hurtful behavior has to happen before you decide enough is enough?

Sometimes we are so jaded by and used to emotionally abusive behavior that we forget what being treated with kindness and respect means.

What happens when the hurtful behavior stops and you are free to be yourself? Does the relationship now go back to normal like nothing ever happened?

It can, but it rarely does. In fact, most victims of emotional abuse want the person who hurt them to feel what they went through. They want the abuser to suffer.

Is that reciprocal emotional abuse? That's the question I answer in this episode.

Emotionally abusive people usually drain all of your energy. It's rare that they leave the relationship because they get their power from taking yours. There can be two or three main reasons they leave, but no matter what the reason is, there's almost always a trail of destruction behind them.

What happens when you've had enough of the bad behavior and want the other person to leave you alone? In a family situation, that might be easier to do since you may not live together. In a romantic relationship however, that can be a bit harder.

What if the other person doesn't want to go? What do you do then? It's time to get clear on what you want so that you convey the right message that cannot be misinterpreted.

Emotional abuse in any relationship is made up of numerous behaviors, many of which can be quite hard to detect. When you're trying to pinpoint the exact behaviors causing difficulties in your relationship, it can be helpful to understand the subtleties.

Every wonderful aspect of you can diminish when you are with a toxic person. They find ways to convince you that you are unworthy and unlovable so that you seek love and worth from them instead of looking anywhere else. It is a manipulative tactic they use to keep you down so that they can also be the hero to bring you up.

If you told a "normal" person they were being emotionally abusive, you'd think they'd back off and re-evaluate their behavior. After all, people who care about you don't want to hurt you. At least, that's the hope. Is there an easy way to convey to them that their hurtful words and actions are destroying the relationship so that they'll "get it" and treat you nicer?

Some people become highly defensive or offensive when they want to hide something from you, or lie to you, or don't want to be vulnerable with you, because it's too scary for them. No matter the reason, their behavior has a purpose and it's usually to divert your attention so that they don't have to reveal something that might make them feel out of control.

The two sides of emotional abuse are the perpetrator and the victim. Sometimes the victim can't tell if there's abusive behavior or just normal relationship difficulties.

Sometimes the hurtful person needs to know what they're doing that's hurtful because they could have been doing it for so long, they don't realize how bad their behavior is.

This is a packed episode that goes over the silent treatment, discerning between abuse and normal difficulties, and learning if there can be a relationship after emotional abuse goes away.

There's a point when there has been enough abusive behavior where you decide you're no longer going to stand for it and it's time to take the next right step for you. Don't accept bad behavior for so long that you convince yourself that it's never bad enough.

When you're around those who constantly put you down with hurtful words or threats that they'll never talk to you again or leave you forever, it can become the new normal. Those who try to make you feel like something bad will happen if you don't change into what they want you to be are hoping you don't catch on to their deception to keep you in a fear-based state forever.

If you've considered leaving an emotionally abusive person and feel guilty having those thoughts, you need to make sure your guilt is justified and not implanted or based on a false premise. When guilt seeps in, it can stop you from making decisions that are right for you.

Decisions based on guilt can sometimes backfire, and you may find yourself back in the same situation you were before. Try not to make relationship decisions based on guilt. When you do that, it can backfire on you, and you may find yourself in the same position you were...

Sometimes in an emotionally abusive relationship, you have a big decision to make. That decision may be to leave, or perhaps you want to stand up and honor yourself. There are a number of decisions to make when you're in any type of relationship. Some of them harder than others. In this episode, I help you visualize what that looks like and how to get there.

For the healing and assessment guide for difficult relationships, check out The M.E.A.N. Workbook over at loveandabuse.com

When a relationship is difficult, it's helpful to have an established baseline of acceptable behavior. If you don't know what is acceptable and what isn't, how can you possibly know if your relationship values are being violated?

Am I the abuser? It's a question I get a lot. In this episode, I want to make sure you're aware of reactive abuse and how you can be pushed to the limit and become what some may see as abusive.

However, don't be fooled into thinking you are an abusive person if you were pushed to that limit by an abusive person. Everyone, even the most calm, passive people, has a limit. And almost everyone will break when pushed over the edge.

Sometimes it helps to know what to look for in your relationship and how a relationship is supposed to look when you just aren't happy or are dealing with a difficult partner. In this special episode, Grace with coachingbygrace.com interviews me on her podcast and asks several questions regarding emotional abuse, empowerment, and what a relationship is supposed to look like.

Months can seem like an eternity when you're in a toxic relationship, but what about years? Can you not only survive a relationship like that, but also thrive if you choose to leave it? Is it ever too late to leave an emotionally abusive situation?

Some hurtful behavior can have a secondary benefit to the person hurting you. Some behaviors can cause you to react in such a way that brings the hurtful person benefit. Because of that, they know how to get their needs simply by acting badly.

If you want to know why you can never please someone, this episode might help you answer that question.

Emotional abuse has an insidious way of disintegrating the very core of who you are. It's a process that can turn you into a shell of your former self. You can rebuild, but to do so sooner than later will decrease the time it takes to recover a toxic relationship. Even if you are left empty inside, the moment the toxicity is out of your system is the same moment the healing starts.

A mom wrote to me and said that she is blaming herself for not doing the right job parenting her abusive son. Guilt is plaguing her and she wants to move forward. In this episode, I share what guilt and forgiveness are really about. Guilt is supposed to be a short term punishment and a prompt to take action, not a life sentence.

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The very core of who you are is what can get compromised when you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. That's why many victims of emotional abuse say that they became a shell of their former self when they were exposed to it for too long.

In order to stay as whole as you can, you need to remember who the most important person in your world is and protect that person at all costs.

You've tried talking with them, expressing your hurt or unhappiness, but they still don't seem to want to change their behavior. If you've done what you can, what is the next step? Emotionally abusive behavior is not something you should live with, but many do. It might be time to consider all your options.

There's a point of either intoleration or breakdown that you sometimes have to reach in order to finally make a decision that you need to make about a toxic relationship. When that moment comes, it can be scary. There can be a lot on the line. In this episode, I talk about what needs to happen in order for you to be in the right state of mind to make the big, scary decisions you might need to make for yourself.

Dealing with a manipulative and controlling relationship is bad enough, but what happens when the person doing the bad behavior is also dealing with addiction? What if the addiction is the reason for the emotionally abusive behavior?

It's important to understand your role in an addict's life. Addiction exacerbates bad behavior. Some addicts don't do bad behavior when they're not participating in their addiction. Some do.

Where you are in all this is what makes the difference between feeling okay in a relationship with an addict, feeling trapped in one, or realizing you have no...

One of the constants I've seen over and over again in emotionally abusive relationships is when the victim tries harder to please an unpleasable person.

No matter what they do or how hard they try, the hurtful and unkind person will remind them in many ways that it's still not enough.

For more episodes visit https://loveandabuse.com